Honestly, I thought I was doing really well with all the awful behaviors and needy feelings that you often hear about with pregnancy… I made it fourteen weeks-ish with no vomiting, very little fights with my husband or others and very little crying and absolutely no emotional meltdowns…
Until now… my goodness it came fast. Maybe it was the fact that I was in the smallest room in the world with (although sweethearts and dear friends) women for five nights… maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of 2000-ish music therapists and therapy students running around you 24 hours a day for 5 days… maybe it was the cold weather… maybe it was because Michael wasn’t there to console me and rub my tummy and back at night, which sometimes he does, although DJ was there to poke at me from time to time… maybe it was the fact that I got practically no sleep since last Tuesday… but I think most of all, it was the fact that I realized this weekend, as I watched my stomach peek out even further away from my body that I was one of very few of my friends, and zero of my close friends, who is going through this. I realized this weekend, among the need for food, warmth and comfort, that no one realizes what I am going through and that although I try soo soo hard, I can’t stop talking about my pregnancy, I can’t stop feeling crazy at times, and sometimes I just need to scream.
I blew up this weekend in an awful way and chose not to discuss it with anyone, but instead just took it out on everyone! My argument is that I have held this in long enough! It’s not a great argument, but it’s somewhat valid.
I have very few people to talk to about what I am feeling… I am at such a different point in my life… my road went a different direction that others… This is in no way saying that my life is better or worse, but it’s now different. I am alone at this point… with Michael, but alone.
This is the time when I realize that some things about pregnancy SUCK! They are horrible and awful and I hate them… I hate feeling the emotional craziness that I feel right now. I hate getting angry, or upset or hyper, or tired for no other reason than “it’s hormones”.
I hate that my hunger comes on rapidly, with very little warning and I must eat right at that very moment.
And I hate that I get crappy sleep at night and then want to sleep throughout my entire day.
Now mind you, I am not unhappy… I am still happy… there are just those times that I feel very yucky about the things going on… with my body, my mind, and my life…
I guess it must be the hormones. UGH!